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WeeKZeroNOTbroughttoyoubyDUOTROPEorMALAHATREVIEW
Date: 2017/02/16 16:43 By: tqr Status: Admin  
Karma: -1999976  
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Posts: 2696
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[the Rorschalk gets up from the teletype, smoking a cigar, admiring the boar's head in the foyer of his jungle room, and walks to the fax, dials up THE FLOOR, feeds in the document, and hits SEND]

'at'l teach the bastard to say 'fuck' to me 'gin! Ha! [sez Rorschalk around the champing of his stogie] Ha! Hahaha!


Duotrope Customer Service

9:19 AM (5 hours ago)

to el jefe

Hi, Ted,

Thank you for considering us for your ad. Duotrope has a strict policy of not advertising or sponsoring markets. Again, thank you for thinking of us!

...
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Re:WeeK Zero NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE
Date: 2017/02/16 20:39 By: doomey Status: Admin  
Karma: -1760  
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Posts: 2125
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[doomey sits erect in his pilot's chair. he feels some sort of urgent message is attempting its screw, something in the dead disco is turning. doomey looks over at DeP's desk, catches her eye, winks. he grabs up his remote and thumbs in hollywood vampires whole lotta love. he thumbs the volume up to 11. he stands, and he steps out from behind the cherrywood, and he steps onto the glass tiles, and they come to life and throb nice warm crimsons and blues and burnt golds as he dances crazy, like a drunk at a prom he somehow snuck into. as the mirror ball glints and spins, steam rises from doomey's sweat-drenched suit coat. he spins, and spins, and then he slows. he claws inside his suit coat, comes up with a pall mall, thumbnails a vesta and sets fire to the tip of the cigarette. he sucks in some sweet smoke. he exhales. soundgarden's nothing to say bursts from the bose]

tis the 16th. i've done what i can do. i am out.

[doomey walks to the exit]

i've a freak show to firm up, after all.

[doomey leaves the Floor]
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Re:WeeK Zero NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE
Date: 2017/02/16 22:41 By: tqr Status: Admin  
Karma: -1999976  
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Posts: 2696
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[Rorschalk throws a coconut at the vid screen and screams at the top of his voice]

Not so fast, sir! I believe you'll find it not so easy to leave the floor, my friend. Like I said in the business office. We're grinding until we die, sir. Food will be delivered via pneumatic tube ... yes. I've had them repaired, look to your right! There. I hope you like beanie weenies. Seems they are the only thing will adhere into an air-tight enough amalgam yet are flexible enough to make it through all the twists and turns without clogging ... now! Get ass your back here won. We're going to be so tired of knowing .. I mean 'winning' sit down, will you! There will be more cap for your reviewing pleasure.


The week's Floor show is NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE. FINDING HOMES FOR STORIES SINCE 1933!
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Re:WeeK Zero NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE
Date: 2017/02/17 19:34 By: Jesus Status: Admin  
Karma: 2  
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Posts: 497
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[the cleaning closet door yawns open. Jesus walks out of the closet. He's wearing a black and white maid outfit, one you might buy in one of those sex shops in the bowels of New York City. In one hand he holds a feather duster, in the other a Java cigar that's dreamily fired-up and wafting a ribbon of smoke mirrorballward. On his feet, combat boots with no visable socks, or maybe anklets. He's not clean, his elbows sooty, his knees dry and flaking. He wears a utility belt, kind of like Batman, but this belt has other things hanging from it, no Bat-a-rangs. His beard is outgrown and, like a plant in a dark room, stretching out in all directions looking for dear sunlight. He wears his Wiley X Black Ops WX Valor Sunglasses, the only thing spotlessly clean on him. The white apron on the front of his short-skirted maid uniform is torn and spotted with a splattering of murder, or maybe roadkill. One of the short sleeves has been ripped off. His hair is all sideways and long and filthy and coiling around itself. He idles for a bit upon the glass tiles, and sucks some sweet smoke from the Java, letting the smoke slowly leak from the left edge of his lips. He looks around. He sees DePlancher sitting at her desk doing DePlancher things. He twists his lips]

What are you doing here, Ms. DePlancher. You're past date.

[With no response from the DePster, Jesus tilts his head, and then he walks over to Boligard's cherrywood. He grabs a plastic trash bag from a dispenser on his utility belt, and, one handed, he whips it open. He shoves the Java in his maw, and then he grabs up the gigantic marble ashtray and upends its contents into the trash bag. He shakes the ashtray, getting most of the ashes to move and empty into the bag. He sets the marble ashtray on the desktop. He adjusts the ashtray just so. Gives it another nudge. He goes at the desktop with the duster, flicking the feathers, making dust rise only to eventually fall, knowing his antics are less than worthless, caring not. He reaches up and snags the cigar betwixt his ring and fuck finger, pulls it from his teeth, and he quietly sings]

I gave my soul to a new religion. Whatever happened to you.

[The iPhone clipped to his utility belt bleets. Jesus grabs up the phone and slaps it down on the cherrywood's desktop. A call is incoming. He thumbs the speaker icon]

Jesus Christ.

[The iPhone sizzles and then a voice spits out, sounding tinny and slightly girly. Jesus shoves the 'gar in his maw once more, leans forward and plants both palms on the desktop's edge. He glares at the iPhone]
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Re:WeeK Zero NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE
Date: 2017/02/17 20:18 By: doomey Status: Admin  
Karma: -1760  
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[doomey's voice leaks from the iPhone's speaker]

hey, cocksucker. just letting you know i've arrived in Seattle. at the Jungle now. trying to find the freak. [rustling of clothing, flicking of a thumbnail on the tip of a swan vesta. sucking in of cigarette smoke, exhalation] but there's girls here being raped in the tents. s'fucked, mister. i know she's here, and i know what she can do, saw it on reddit before it got buried, layered in cow fucking shit. [muffled talk, like maybe doomey's come across some hurtle, some rough boys, some unhappy campers. shouting now, and the sound of running] dude, i'm going to have to get to you. these fuckers want to kill me. so we're out. friday, Febuary 17, the Jungle, Seattle. knock back.

[the sound of running boots, a grunt, and then the connection goes dead]
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Re:WeeK Zero NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE
Date: 2017/02/17 20:37 By: Jesus Status: Admin  
Karma: 2  
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[Jesus listens to the fuzz for half a minute, then he thumbs the phonecall dead. He plops his maid-ass into the pilot's chair and sucks on the Java. He blows smoke and looks over at DePlancher]

I know you're busy, but do you have any idea how to "knock back"?

[On the desktop, the iPhone vibrates to life. Jesus thumbs the speaker button]
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Re:WeeK Zero NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE
Date: 2017/02/17 21:00 By: doomey Status: Admin  
Karma: -1760  
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[static erupts from the iPhone's tiny speaker, sounds of chaotic stuffs going on, and screaming. over this, doomey's voice rattles through the speaker]

i've found one the fuckers that [static or lots of clothes rustling, and then a loud horn, or a goose] s'totally shaved his eyebrows. i've got him now, under me, i've pinned him under me, and this fucker is crazy! he was going to rape this 13 year old with a broken guitar neck. he keeps saying this is the work of kresnik, but i don't know who kresnik is, so i'm just going to hold him down, and i think someone's coming, maybe the police, though i am in Seattle, so that is doubtful, oh jesus. fuck it, i'm just going to murder this devil. i've got the busted guitar neck in hand...

[the connection goes all wonky, fizzes, and then it dies]
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Re:WeeK Zero NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE
Date: 2017/02/17 22:54 By: otto Status: Admin  
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[everybody was kung fu fighting! Except otto was being learned that size generally could be overcome by a skilled jui jitsu fighter trained in the Gracie method of the gentle art, although, quite ungently, whilst riding atop the big man with the dexterity of big wave surfer, doomey pondered and had come to a definite decision about what to do with the jagged end of the broken guitar neck he was grasping in his hand like dagger...]

Don't do it, brother.It's me! Otto! You got the wrong guy ... that lousy rat bastahd Rorschalk don't know shit about promoting nothing! I mean, shit! We otta be ankle deep in gems by now!

[Doomey glares down at otto with murder in his eyes, and yet holds back the death blow some seconds...]

Yeah. You heard right! Gems! You though I was going to what? Sodomize? I got some crazy glue in the left front pocket, you lousy mook! Once I fixed this here ax, I was going to the coffee shop and lay down some old Croche tunes at open mic night ... yeah! That's right. Traverse is probably down there now to do the freakin' sound check! C'mon doomey, give a brother the benefit of the doubt. Ever since I left the rat-infested filthy hole of TQR, everythings been coming roses!

[doomey's expression mirrors the penultimate pose of Sgt Barnes just before he is about to kill young Charlie Sheen in that old nam joint...though there be no flaming airstrikes to reflect the diabolical hatred in his eyes]
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Re:WeeK Zero NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE
Date: 2017/02/19 18:28 By: deplancher Status: Admin  
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[DeP sips pomegranate juice from her goblet, adjusts her giant red googly intellectual library studies major glasses and looks over at bewildered Jesus in his worn maid uniform.]

You ought to see if there's something in the budget for repairs. Your hem is soiled, JC. Makes you look loose.

What's this about 'out dated'? Who told you about my birthday, eh bag wan? Nevermind. As for 'knock back'...hmmmm [she flips through a chewed up volume of something something Everybody Knows but soon gives up and tosses it under her desk. Rimbaud bolts from the darkness and gives her a weak cat warning...he loves her too much to carry through with any serious threats]

Knock back. Maybe just punch recall on that cracked iPhone of yours. Maybe that's Jimmy yak talk for call back. Try it. Was that Doomey reporting in? What the hell trouble is he getting into roaming the streets? We can hope you don't have to go find him again. You haven't saved anybody for awhile, have ya now, baby Jesus? It's alright. World's been in chaos since Batman bit Robin in the shoulder. Some other stuff too, I know, but I can't bear listening to the news since Frank Zappa made that documentary.

Hey...do you have any straws in that wardrobe of yours? Clean ones, svp, Jesus mon cher. Clean ones only. I have to watch my intake of disease laden objects. Merci.

DeP
A Bluelight Dancer/Not a Pocketbook Romancer
of The Floor
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Re:WeeK Zero NOT brought to you by DUOTROPE
Date: 2017/02/19 19:52 By: Jesus Status: Admin  
Karma: 2  
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[Jesus stares down at the phone on the cherrywood's desktop. He breathes deep, exhales]

It's not my wardrobe, Ms. Deplacher. And I don't have any straws. Did you mean to ask me for straws? Why would you want straws?

[Jesus puffs to life his half-spent Java. Puff, puff, puff. And purple smoke wafts toward the mirrorball. He leans back in the pilot's chair]

Thing is, we've got responsibility. Responsibility breeds a pure, sweet ethos. Ethos, ours, makes happy puppies, well-behaved babies, which are very rare, and witty id. Room to breathe. Breath.

[Jesus sucks some sweet smoke from the Java]

And so we watch Eat That Question, and we rejoice and wave our arms above our heads. Woo and whatnot. Who is Otto? I've serious trends, bro, trends to erase this person, right?
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