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LOVE IN DISGUISE_portholed
Date: 2018/01/22 13:09 By: deplancher Status: Admin  
Karma: 14  
Admin

Posts: 1510
graphgraph
Hello, Pavel Lebedev:

I like the premise of your capital, Love in Disguise, as recently submitted for our consideration here at the top of the cyber lit world, otherwise known as TQR.

There are two flaws over which I, as your reader, stumbled throughout. These bar your piece from advancing any further.

Firstly, the dialogue. I understand the setting is futuristic but, dear VC, I urge you to read aloud the sequences where your people talk to each other, especially Derek and Tom.

Secondly, your reader knows early there's something suspect about Derek's new lover. Too early, je pense. It's too easy to see what's wrong, too much hinting maybe and not enough dynamic in action to keep this story intriguing as it has the potential to be...by the time Sarah reveals her true self, we're over it. If you intended shock/punch/devastation, that potential flew away on about page 4.

Pavel Lebedev, you can see why we cannot advance Love in Disguise. It's not ready for us.

Bonne chance in your revisions, and merci beaucoup for your interest in TQR.

Truly,


G. DePlancher
The Floor - TQR

Sent while levitating from my own Bright Cloud.

DeP
A Bluelight Dancer/Not a Pocketbook Romancer
of The Floor
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